AC's Recovery and Healing Blog

As a once and still occasional “good co-dependent” I liked to make sure that other’s needs, wants, emotions, opinions, and feelings were front and center while mine just didn’t matter that much.  Add in a good dose of being “sacrificial” because I was a Christian and that they were to “deny themselves” to show how committed to Jesus they were and you have a person who lost who they really were and forgot a lot about what made them happy….

For the first part of my life I was so concerned about not being the focus of any pain, shame, or frustration for my parents and family that I became the ultimate over-achiever and typical “Good Kid”.  At least that was the goal…

My mid 20’s to early 40’s were the “Good Christian Provider Husband and Father” phase of my life.

There is nothing inherently wrong with either phase of life.  However, if you’re primarily motivated by fear of how others feel about you and are more concerned with protecting the image that they have of you  then being the real you – well that is a BIG PROBLEM…

What started to happen to me is that every activity and most decisions were focused on what others wanted.  Others who I was trying to make sure accepted me, loved me, cared for me, believed in me.  If I could just be successful enough, good enough, make enough money, smart enough, enjoy the same things they enjoyed, spiritual enough, funny enough, nice enough, caring enough, work enough, and on and on and on…..well then the people that I cared about would think I was OK.

Have you ever had someone ask you – where do you want to go to dinner tonight?  What movie do you want to see?  What kind of car should we get?  Can you take off work early to pick up the kids for this or that?  These questions and others that involved more serious issues were extremely hard for me to answer.  It was not an issue of honesty as much as it was an issue of I only knew how to answer in a way that caused the least amount of tension and disappointment.

By the time I was 35 I had completely forgot what I really liked to do.  What made me happy.  What inspired me.  What spoke to me.  What I needed from others, my surroundings, and environment.  There is a great commercial on the radio right now for ATT U-Verse cable TV.  The scene is a guy sitting on his “lucky couch” in the Family Room just before Monday Night Football game is about to be broadcast.  His wife comes in and asks him if he can go watch his game in the basement because she and the kids want to watch a movie on the big TV. The man says – “I’m going to watch the game on my lucky couch”. The wife says “But Steve…”  Just then the Monday Night Football music starts to play and the man starts to sing to the tune of the Monday Night Football theme – “Game’s starting now!  I’m sitting on lucky couch, have fun in the basement…”

While I may have just lost all the female readers of this blog forever because they may believe that is the cruelest, most selfish thing to do in the world… I am going to say that this guy is my hero!  He did not put his needs aside to make someone else happy.

Let me clear.  It is OK to do things and sacrifice for others.  But like everything else in a co-dependents life, if you lose balance and find yourself doing that more to gain acceptance, afraid of the other person’s behavior if you don’t do it, or feel better about yourself– well then that is just not healthy.

I have had to work on this by doing things I like on purpose. Many activities I have never done by myself I now make myself do just to do it and enjoy it so that I take care of myself.  For instance – seeing a movie, going to a concert, or going on a two day get away at a hotel all by myself.

I love watching college basketball especially the NCAA tournament – March Madness.  Last year I spent an entire Saturday watching the tournament at a Sports Bar (I drank lemonade…).  I did have too much Pizza though that day…I sat at a small round table with the perfect view to the biggest screen all day and talked to 5 or 6 different guys that came and went throughout the day.  It was awesome!

I make a point to set aside some time to do the things I enjoy because I deserve to do some things that I enjoy.  I hope you find out what you forgot you love and start doing it again!

BTW – I started writing this blog because I had forgotten that when I was younger I loved to write and was pretty good at it.  In fact I once dreamed of being a journalist.  Someone in recovery with me read something I wrote and reminded me that I am good at it….so now I am enrolled in a on-line writing class and loving it!!